Wednesday, October 8, 2014

it's never intentional... (a poem)

If you're at all like me, your spiritual walk has been kind of a roller coaster... you can reflect back on times in your life when you have been totally on fire... and times when you have just kind of fallen by the wayside - when you've gotten all distracted and wrapped up in life and lost sight of your Savior... and you get to a point, once this process has repeated itself many times over, where you just wonder - why do I keep repeating this cycle??  Why can't I find my committed path and stick to it... You know that your spiritual health is important to you... You have no doubt about your love for God and your belief in Christ as your Savior... Yet still, somehow... we wander from time to time...

It has recently dawned on me that this wandering is more often than not completely unintentional in design...  of course, I've also read about it in teachings - that the devil.. he's always looking to lead us astray (a lion roaming about looking to devour anyone vulnerable - sound familiar, anyone?)... and he distracts us, leads us away from our committed life, very subtly most of the time... It's not that any of us set out purposefully to turn our backs on our faith... We don't wake up one morning and say, "Self, what can I do today to derail the progress I've been making with God lately?"  No, it's very rarely intentional, our wandering... But the end result is the same, nonetheless... We try and try of our own will to get life done... To take care of all our responsibilities and to make headway on our goals... and we end up frustrated, and rightly so... Because we were never intended to do this life all on our own... 

it's never intentional... (a poem)

I never deliberately plan
To go about my day in such a way
As to purposefully neglect my Lord
And ignore the tending to my faith

My focus totally fragmented
Interests calling me in eight directions
Never quite accomplishing anything great
I find myself so often frustrated

Left wondering what I’m doing wrong
Feeling something crucial is missing
Sunken inside myself, wholly unfulfilled
A critical element entirely lacking

And days go on and on
As I continue to pursue
Dreams and aspirations I’ve chosen for myself
Without consulting you

Until I am eaten up with the empty
That comes from a life fed only by this world
And I collapse again in utter agony
No longer sustained by my own will

And there in the darkness
Of my own creation
I hear and feel an intimate whispering
The Spirit prodding, gently urging me

Finally I can see where I’ve gone amiss
And set about to collect myself
I seek forgiveness for wandering aimlessly
Completely discounting my spiritual health

Tears silently stream down my cheeks
As I bare my soul and confess
I’m so nothing without you, sweet Jesus
A wasted, washed up mess

I praise You that all the while
You’ve been waiting, watching quietly
Anticipating the very moment
 I’d recognize this built-in need

For spiritual nourishment
And guidance at Your hand
You never impose Yourself
You just stand by and understand

I’ve got to find my way back to You
As many times as it takes
The Christian life is constant process
Of choosing to habitually rededicate

So thankful after all this time
And all that we’ve been through
You’re still my Savior - always will be
I call you mine - I belong to You

And I hope someday I learn
To acknowledge You in all I do
The Love of my life, my Redeemer
You’re the One I should pursue.

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© K. Michelle Payne 2014

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