Wednesday, December 31, 2014

contemplating the new year... a conversation with my Lord

    How do I even begin to ask what You want for me in the coming year, Lord?  When it's been days since I spent any real time in prayer... I've allowed the busyness of life to crowd out my time with You & I've been lackluster about getting back to it, even though I know from experience the joy that comes from dedicated pursuit of a life lived devoted to You.

    Forgive me, Lord - I have been so stubborn, dragging my heels and wandering, distracted - knowing that time and again You have told me to "do the work, Michelle - your work will be rewarded."

    I am so sorry I have been caught up in the old habit of doing it on my own - not giving you my best and my all, but rather just some, pieces, parts, when all You want is my whole heart.  Please, Lord, Spirit, Father God, bring me back - renew the flame inside me and help me to be diligent and focused so that I can revel in my relationship with You.  Help me remember that we have work to do & I need to seek You first, above any other, always and in all ways, with zeal and fervor, with all enthusiasm - help me recall how good it is to walk plugged into You, glowing with Your light and love - the radiant bride - that that is the mode of life You desire for me - so full of You that I exude joy and life to those around me that others might know You more.

    Thank You so much for being so patient with me and restoring me to a right place with You in loving kindness and mercy and grace.  Thank You so much that as soon as I put pen to paper, I am intrinsically connected to You no matter how long I've been strayed or how far I've felt from Your Presence.  Thank You that whenever I wander off course, You have never moved, and You always welcome me back jubilant and delighted at my return to Your loving embrace.  You are my Love - how could I forget this beautiful feeling that covers over me when I am with You, in tune and connected to You - why would I ever stray?

    No, it's never intentional, my wandering - but please, I beg You help me find a way to be accountable to stay diligent in my communication with You - Spirit, please by my partner and remind me often of this beautiful and good, lovely feeling - although it is so much more than that - so that I would yearn and strive daily to cast all else aside to spend devoted time with my Jesus.

    Praise You, praise You, Three in One for bringing me back to this notebook today.  I love You so much and just praise You with all that I am for calling me to You and being my Lord, my Savior, my Father, my Creator - the Lover of my Soul <3 yes, Jesus - more of You in my life in 2015, I pray - more of You in every nook and cranny, every crevice - may I be so filled with You there is no space for self, no room for the enemy and his demons to hide - so full of You that everyone I see, all I know, can't help but see You in me - in every word I speak and every move I make - in my life, Lord, be glorified!  Better yet, no longer my life but Yours!

    This year, help me to be crucified with You that I would die to self - that it not be me who lives, but You, Jesus Christ, who lives in me.  Empty me out that I may be just a vessel of the love and grace, mercy and power of the Holy Spirit that You can use me thoroughly however You choose to minister to the needs of others - for Your Glory, Your Honor, Your Name, Your Kingdom!

Yes, Lord, less of me & more of You - please let it be!

In Your Most Holy Name I pray,
Amen <3 

_____________ and this is what He said to me...____________

   Yes, Michelle, this is what I want of You - that's why you felt the pace of your writing quicken - you were being led by the Spirit to pray this way.  I will help you plan your days - I want to be the primary part of them - do not be anxious or overwhelmed.  I know you feel daunted at all that is laid before you now that you are well, but take heart knowing that I will be with you to lead and to guide you.  I know you want to get back to your (good) habits, but remember what I have told you - seek me first.  Everything else will come, trust me - I have not brought you this far to abandon you.  We have great work to do, but do not be afraid.  The Spirit is your partner - seek Him, engage with Him - practice communicating with Him.  I want you to focus on developing an obedient heart - when He speaks to you, no matter how small the issue - I want you to be ready and willing - to gladly acknowledge it is the voice of God directing you and respond in joy of honoring Him.  When I can trust you with the small things, then I can trust you with the bigger things.  Do the work, Michelle.  I love you.  Always.  
Jesus <3 

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© K. Michelle Payne 2014