Tuesday, February 3, 2015

working through doubts - an excerpt from my prayer journal

I know with yesterday's post, I promised I would share with you everything God has shown me about utilizing praise and worship to displace mental anguish & I most certainly will honor that!  But I just had the most beautiful time in prayer & feel pressed upon to share that experience with you.

I posted a photo not long ago that I would feel confident saying that every Christian has had their fair share of doubts and frustrations:

It was shared as part of my effort to remind us all that God is, indeed, big enough for our questions and struggles.  This excerpt from my prayer journal is just one instance of my working through doubts with Jesus, including His response to me... And oh, how precious it always is to be reassured by the Lord Himself.  


Jesus, why is it that even when I know how good and lovely and wonderful it is to meet with you... even when I know and You have just told me yourself (in last night's quiet time) how very needful it is to run after You, to constantly seek Your Presence and to be fed by Your very hand - why am I still hesitant to come sit before You... 

Why, even though You have never failed to meet me, to speak to my heart and minister to my soul personally, is there still this lingering reservation within holding me back because I'm scared that I might not hear from you *this time*  - that I might come seeking today & not find You... and I don't want to risk that heartbreak, that disappointment... so I put off coming to look for You or when I do pray to You, I rush through it & neglect to leave space and quiet, those so important pauses to hear back from You...

Why, with all the promises I've read in the Word of God, Your Word, that I can never be separated from You, that I am Yours forever, that I can never lose You - why am I so scared to come to You honest and open with quiet time to listen for fear that suddenly You'll stop showing up - that after all this good that You've shown me & told me, all You've shared with me & promised to continue to lead me into... why am I afraid that now You would fail me - that You would remove Yourself from me or withdraw from our time together, that You would hide Yourself from me or make Yourself unavailable?

[Why would I ever doubt You?]

Certainly, I have no reason to - I love You & I believe You love me with a steadfast & unfailing love.  Am I expecting in our relationship a turn of events like I've always experienced in relationships here on earth - that no good thing ever lasts and no love is genuinely unfailing and true? 

As Valentine's Day draws near again, would You show me & remind me that You love me with a Love like nothing I've ever experienced here on earth... Would You help me to understand way deep down in my soul that You will never disappoint me or fail me in any way as my True & Forever Love? 

Jesus, be my Always - show me with each day that passes that I can put all my hope and trust in You.  Help me in my doubts by healing the still broken places in my heart where I've been hurt by disappointments in relationships in this world & remind me that You are the Lover of my Soul who is ever true & worthy of my faithful devotion.  

Help me when I am tempted to be afraid that I might somehow lose You or seek and not find You by using the Spirit within me to remind me of Your Promises.  Write Your Word on my heart to be always with me, part of me - close at hand in times of wavering and doubt.  Use the music I listen to that echoes the truths of Your grace, mercy, light and love to ever remind me not just of who You are, but also of who I am to You.  Help me to know that I am Your beloved - precious, cherished & adored - and because of Your great love for me, because You are Love, You could never fail me. 

Forgive me for my doubt and fear, and Praise You for guiding me to the Truth in prayer.  I love You & bless You for all that You are to me.  Remind me when I forget or lose sight of the Truth, the blessed promise that I am spoken for.

In Your Precious Name always, 
Amen <3 


Lord, Lord, I pray You would come now in this quiet hour where my heart is made open & speak Your sweet words to me...


Be still - do not try to fill up the quiet, empty space with your own thoughts.  Leave space here within your heart for Me, Michelle.  Be quiet & calm before Me.  Rest assured, I am not angry or upset by your confession of your douts.  I am pleased that you were open and honest with me.  Instead of avoiding the quiet out of your fear, you came to Me & we dealt with it and worked through it in prayer.  This is what prayer is for.  You are not meant to keep your struggles within you to try to reason them out on your own.  You are not meant to go first to your friends to talk it through to come to a solution and understanding of things.  

Now do you understand when I say I want your first firsts - it is about so much more than just your first waking moments...  I want to be the One you run to - I want it to be My Name you call on as your instinct.  I know it's not your normal pattern now & it will take time to develop the habit - and as with all new things I have brought to you, at first it may seem strange, unfamiliar or uncomfortable - but trust Me.  I know that you trust Me - even in the midst of your doubts & fears you wrestled because you knew that it conflicted with the basic underlying truth of you that you have come to TRUST Me - even when you don't understand.  As you wrote in your blog (yesterday) - you know that I am not a liar, not one to mislead - and you know I love you & am for you & with you even when you don't readily feel it or see it. 

Do you realize how big that is?  That is huge, Michelle!  That is faith!  You are growing - you are becoming.  You may have begun your prayer today frustrated with your hesitation to come to me because you "feel" like you ought to be past that - further along than that - but I am here to tell you that you are - you are because you came to Me with it.  Because you didn't avoid or put off praying or skip over the quiet time...

You are & always will be progress - until the day I bring you home with Me - you are progress.  Rejoice in that, Michelle!  What you did today in coming to me to work through that doubt and frustration, and how much growth will happen because of today is so good - just so good!  Be glad!  Be happy!  I am making you - I am building you up - glory to glory, you are becoming!  

Keep at it!  Keep seeking and you will find.  I will show myself to you in new & marvelous ways, and I will help you see yourself as I see you.  I am leading you into a brilliant future for My Kingdom.  Keep cleaning yourself out - poured out in front of Me - wholly surrendered, make yourself available to Me & see what I will do in and through you.  

Yes, Michelle - I am well pleased - do the work - I will help you... All the little things... I am ordering your steps.  Be diligent and faithful & do the work - I am making you fully able.  I love you & I have you - always.

Jesus <3


I got good words today from Jesus - good words from my Lord.
There's nothing better!  Soul food!!!!


My hope is that from this post you will be encouraged to know that everyone struggles in their faith walk - and that's totally normal & very much okay.  God doesn't get angry or upset with us for having questions - He made us & He knows we're entirely human and that it's all part of the process.  The important thing is that we go to Him for help with our doubts, frustrations and questions rather than running from them or trying to reason them out all on our own.  God is more than able to handle our issues - whatever they may be.  Please don't be afraid to be open and honest with God - He can handle it.  

For today's music selection,
I want to share my love song to God
because He is my Forever & Always:
Francesca Battistelli

© K. Michelle Payne 2015

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